I had a career once...

Once upon a time, I had a good career. I had a high-profile, well-paid media job in London. Of course I knew things would change when I had kids, employers don't want the hassle of someone who can't come into work because their child is ill for instance. You have to make adjustments, switch roles sometimes. But I had hoped that after 6 or 7 years I could re-start my career again.

Then along came our little monkey. He was healthy and normal at first, but started having seizures as a baby. At the time I thought, 'As long as it's just epilepsy, it will be fine.' But it wasn't. As the years went on and he stopped learning to speak it became obvious something wasn't right. So I made him my job. I spent all my time learning sign-language, pushing for therapies and trying to integrate him into playgroup. Getting him a statement of special educational need was a full-time job in itself.

Now he's in a good special school and he's doing well there is cause for celebration. I am proud of what I've done but after 6 years devoted to trying to help him, I feel that I am missing out. I can't restart my career as I had dreamed of doing. Outside of school he needs a 1:1 carer, which means I can't send him to an after school or holiday club and I can't send him to a childminder who will have so many others in her care.

Which means if I want a normal job I would have to be earning a huge amount of money in order to pay for a nanny. I do have a job during school-hours, which on a practical level is very useful, but I find it more and more frustrating every day. My experience is not valued, I am not listened to, I am told if I don't like it then they have plenty of people waiting to fill my role. It's all such a long way away from what I had.

Most of the time, I think about little monkey and his sister. 99% of the time, they come first and second, I come last. But sometimes, when I've had a really awful day at work, I think of me and what I've missed out on because of his disability. And sometimes it just doesn't seem right.