What is it about motherhood that brings with it a barrow-load of worry? No matter how much you do and how hard you try it's nearly impossible to shake off that little nag in your head. When the child is ill, it's almost constant. Regular kids get sick for a week or so, then it goes away. You worry about them for week or so, then you stop. But somehow I seem to worry all the time, during the day and (worst of all) at night.
He was 5 weeks seizure free when we went to see his neurologist. She was thrilled but the very next morning he had a fit. He used to have all the seizures in the afternoon when he was tired. Trouble is, now he's having them in the early hours of the morning. When I am trying to sleep. And the first thing I know is when he wakes up crying, vomits and cries for the rest of the day.
So my reaction? Worry. I go to bed worrying that he'll have another serious fit when I'm asleep and he'll stop breathing. I wake up at 4am, sweating and my heart racing, worried that he's having another fit. I'm living in a sleep deprived state because I'm struggling to cope with the uncertainty of not knowing when it will happen, and if I will know about it.
I've asked my OT for an epilepsy alarm and put our names down with a charity that provides them, but there's a wait. Even when the thing arrives I don't know if it will work (my epilepsy nurse doesn't think they're very good). So whether I get an alarm or not, I still need to learn to relax. How do I let-go of my fears so that I can sleep?
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